Overcoming Indecisiveness
Decision-Making: Take What You Want and Pay For It
I remember, as a child, strolling with my parents down a sidewalk and watching a fire hydrant divide them in their passage. My father walked to the hydrant's left side and my mother walked to its right. Ridiculous as this sounds, I stood still, paralyzed by indecision. If I went left, would I be seen to favour my father? Or if I went right, would I be favouring my mother? Whose feelings would I hurt with my simple act of choice?
In our career planning program, I often encounter people who are similarly paralyzed by their inability to decide on a path. They feel pressure, panic, an ominous sense that the whole of their future employment happiness rides on what career choice they make here and now. But in Overcoming Indecisiveness (Avon Books, 1985), psychiatrist Theodore Isaac Rubin offers a startling opinion he calls the Big Fact: "In very few instances," he says, "is one decision actually better than another" (p. 70).
What appears to matter more is the process of making a real decision, which Rubin describes as ".a free, unconditional, total and personal commitment to a choice." (p. 10). He claims further that real decisions are possible only when you know what you feel and what your priorities are. In other words, many of us abdicate a true decision process by refusing to involve ourselves wholly-we allow events and other people to slide us into situations we haven't really chosen. Then we lament our "choice" and fear future decisions. As an example, a second recollection from my youth-I was a distressingly uncertain child-shows me asking all my family members if I should cut my long hair. I didn't ask myself what I wanted-I needed to act on the basis of what others said. I did cut my hair. I still haven't quite recovered.
So real decision-making requires participation. Both your mind and your heart must be involved. Rubin breaks the process down into eight rather fuzzy-edged stages:
- Lay out the possibilities
- Feel the feelings and think the thoughts associated with each possibility
- Evaluate those feelings and thoughts
- Relate the possibilities to your own priorities
- Settle on one possibility
- Absorb the choice you've made
- Act on your decision
No decision will be perfect. Rubin acknowledges this and adds, "You will be doing fine if the choice you make is free of any coercion and reflects your own feelings and priorities" (p. 134). Keep in mind, too, that "interest very often comes after involvement" (p. 163). The act of committing works a simple magic, allowing you to relax into your choice and get to know it better.
Always, whatever your choice, you will have a price to pay. Rubin states that "unwillingness to pay a price destroys the possibility of decision, responsible action and success" (p. 148). I can't help thinking of a woman I knew years ago whose motto was Take what you want and pay for it. I used to think that was harsh-but the fact is, even if you don't take what you want, you have to pay for it. Why not decide what you really want?
Gillian Derksen, BA, is an Employment Assistant with SCCI Project Restart Ltd, a free 17-day career planning program in Surrey. Published in The Recruit September 01, 2006.